... the best way out is always through

“… the best way out is always through.”
~ Robert Frost (1874–1963)

Yesterday, several friends wrote in emails about hanging on by their fingernails, barely, feeling as though they were sliding over the cliff despite their most desperate clawing to stay on top of life. They were feeling the effects of their slide in stress reactions, physical effects on their bodies.

The particular friends who wrote are in the middle of job woes. Too little work, one of them, too much work, the other. How ironic that they can’t share the load somehow, evening the balance for both of them.

It’s caused me to reflect on my own sanity, as I finish the semester, and square off to face the mountains of ignored laundry, the bedrooms that look like the aftermath of World War III, and the blessedly clean kitchen, living room, and dining room, thanks to some amazingly kind and generous daughters who took charge last weekend while I had the flu and set them to right.

We have too much to do, too. There’s no time to put up the tree. We have cookies to bake for teachers, presents to make for family and friends, and I need to sort through the boxes that have been delivered in the last two weeks and make sure that I have presents for everyone. The class ring that I bought for my daughter, assuming it would arrive in time for the holidays, I now find out won’t be delivered until February, so I had a last minute scramble for a small present or two for her. I need to make sure I have something for everyone, including my poet child with the early January birthday!

Somehow, except for the physical stresses of sleep deprivation, combined with the constant uncovered hacking and sneezing full in the face by preschoolers, which resulted in a case of the flu this week, I have managed to escape the physical complaints that my friends are experiencing. I spent a few evenings wondering how I’d make it, when too many projects loomed with so little time left. I could have devolved into a puddle of self-recriminating anguish over the lost two hours while I enjoyed a movie with my daughters last week.

Somehow, I have managed to hold onto my sanity. Or, maybe I’ve lost it altogether and just *think* I’m sane … the common definition of insanity, after all, is the belief that one is sane in spite of a clear departure from reality that everyone else sees. Eeek. I hadn’t thought of that until just now, writing these words. Well, I will choose, since I’m questioning now, to believe that the very act of wondering if I have truly and finally gone around the bend validates my very clear and constant hold on reality.

I am crediting my sanity to my fledgling ability to live in the moment. It developed, somehow, in the midst of divorce, job loss, re-entry into the world of non-traditional graduate student, and sheer survival. If I made it through one more day, then I’d done well. I thought only as far as the next step – finish the paragraph, get the laundry load done that was most critical, wash the dishes so we could eat breakfast the next morning. I found, instead, that I have joy, success, love to look back upon, and my hope for tomorrow lies alive and well in my heart.

The best way out is always through … indeed.

For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course
Lie all the verities and realities of your existence:
The bliss of growth;
The glory of action;
The splendor of achievement;
For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision;
But today, well lived, makes every yesterday
a dream of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore, to this day.

~ Author Unknown, Sanskrit Proverb

Petty Annoyances

Drastic and chronic lack of sleep has a habit of creating large emotions from petty annoyances. A perfect example would be the routine closing of my garage door while I’m driving my eldest daughter down to the bus, by the woman who comes to feed the barn cats (not mine) every morning.

Most mornings, I walk to the bus with all my daughters. The eldest is in high school, and we don’t have much private time to talk. I value these quiet times, when she opens up and tells me about her life, her feelings, her concerns, her joys. She’s a morning person, ready to talk as soon as she wakes up; I’m a night person, and usually struggling for alertness through my cup of morning coffee. My silences joined with her alertness lead to openings that perhaps wouldn’t have a chance to come to fruition later in the day when I gear up for the daily whirlwind.

On the rare days that we drive down, it’s almost always because it’s snowing or raining hard enough to make us both miserable. So I drive her down, and we sit for a few minutes while waiting for the bus. I miss the walking those days, since I don’t have time for exercising the rest of the day, and we still get in a little talk during the five minutes or so while we wait for the bus.

I come home in a haze of not-quite-wakefulness, enhanced by the glow of a teenaged sharing, to find that I need to climb out of my car in the pouring rain or blizzard, to open the garage door again. And there goes the magic of my quiet contemplative mood. It takes me hours to regain my equilibrium.

This is a new development. She just started to come feed the cats. She’s a retired woman, given a home by my landlords on a different house on the property while she helps care for her adult daughter struggling with cancer. It was the only way she could move back in-state to help care for her daughter, and my landlords are doing an amazing thing, giving her a place to live in return for feeding the stray cats and barn cats and painting fences. At any other time, I would be filled with compassion for the situation this woman is in.

But on those icy cold mornings, as I plow through the snow, and curse and struggle to heave open the barn door to get my car back inside so it doesn’t layer with two inches of snow before I leave for work, I lose all compassion, all empathy, all peace, and burn with resentment and frustration. Why doesn’t she get it? The door is always closed, I only leave it open when I drive my high school daughter down. She knows what I’m doing; we’ve conversed about it other times as I walk back to the house as she drives up the driveway and she asks what I’ve been doing out and about so early. It’s a really heavy sliding barn door, requiring major heaving effort to open and close the door. I don’t like getting snow and rain down my neck, which is why I left the door open to begin with, so I could just drive right back in and dash for the house.

So why is she compelled to close that door on the mornings that I drive down? Why is she arriving earlier and earlier? She used to come when my younger daughters and I were running around getting them off for the day, getting myself off for the day. She’d park in the driveway so I’d have to wait for her to finish and back out, in order to get out myself. I guess I could be grateful she’s not parking there while we’re rushing out to get the other two on the bus and me to work.

And why is it that such a petty little annoyance can wreak such havoc with my morning, unsettling me to this degree? Where is that calm collectedness that keeps me centered all the rest of the day as life whirls around me and autistic children kick me and job frustrations chip away at my savings and heat spirals out of my leaky old barn house? Why is it so hard to cope with such a tiny thing?

“Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.”
~ Robert Service

Courtesies

“Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart.” ~ Henry Clay (1777-1852), politician and orator

Last night, my eldest daughter and I had an interesting conversation about how to succeed at school. She’s frustrated with one teacher whom she feels plays favorites. I can remember that same feeling, and how horrible it felt. Ironically, it was a teacher teaching the same subject.

I didn’t have many words of advice to give my daughter. It’s a dilemma that I never figured out how to solve when I was in high school, either. All I could do, in the end, was recommend that she be herself, be nice, and ignore the favoritism. If nothing else, she can walk away from the situation knowing she did nothing wrong.

And who knows. Continuing to be straight with this teacher, offering her the same courtesies and acknowledgments that she gives all her other teachers may pay off in the end. Perhaps one small courtesy will strike deep.

Kootchie Koo!

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”
~ Albert Schweitzer (1875-1965)

Today, I worked with Jake. He is autistic, plus other special needs. He is five and a half. He is finally learning how to use the potty. He is slender, lightening fast, and has better gross motor skills than many nine-year-olds that I know. Jake has very few words, and his ability to communicate is sketchy, at best.

I worked with him at his house this afternoon. We worked on word fluency. He can look at a picture of a ball, and it might take him 10-15 seconds of concentrated effort to pull the word “ball” out of his mind and across his tongue. He might say “throwing” first, because that’s the function he has associated with that item. He might say the color, too, or the shape, or the last noun he named, while struggling to recall and pronounce that nebulous name “ball”.

Jake will scream loudly, like a fire siren, when he can’t think of words to tell you his needs. Or he will hit. Or he will throw himself down on the ground and curl into a ball. Sometimes he will sit and quietly weep.

Jake also has flashes of brilliance. Not intellectual brilliance – the kind of brilliance that lights up his face and explodes my heart with joy. They happen sometimes when he successfully pees on the potty. He looks up, smiles from the depths of his being, and my heart just melts. He knows he’s done something remarkable.

Today, we played tag. It was a strange silly version of tag that perhaps only an autistic child would enjoy. It started after he came downstairs with a pair of socks on, with a hole in the heel of one foot. When I saw him poking at the hole in his heel, I stuck my finger in the hole and said, “kootchie, kootchie, koo!” He shrieked and hid his foot under his other leg.

Part of my challenge as an ABA therapist is to interpret his shrieks, and give him words for communicating. It’s a guessing game at best. Was he shrieking in delight or frustration? I tried, “No tickle, Slaw,” but he didn’t respond. Usually, if I guess a close sentiment, he parrots my words back. Hmmm – he wasn’t minding the tickling. Was he perhaps enjoying the game? I tried again, poking his heel and kootchie koo-ing. He shrieked again, and I said, “More, Slaw!” No response again. But a giant smile this time.

Next thing I knew, we were racing back and forth across the basement floor, with Jake laughing big belly laughs, gales of delight! When I caught up to him, usually when he threw himself headlong onto the bed in the corner of the room, he would wave his feet in my face, and then try to hide the foot with the holey sock before I could poke my finger in again.

When I fell down in exhaustion, I heard some magical words. “Get you!” That was Jake, asking me to chase him again. I told him, “Get me, Slaw!” and he shouted back, “Get me!” So off we raised again, and again, and again, until finally I fell down on the floor again in exhaustion, this time pretending to be asleep.

This time, from across the room, I heard, “Get me, Slaw!” While I snored away, I heard, “Get me, Miss Slaw!” and finally, “Come get me, Miss Slaw!”

That’s a five word sentence! Enunciated correctly, with joy, appropriately used! In Jake’s case, almost miraculous.

As I snored on, still pretending to sleep, I heard, “Wake up! Wake up, Slaw! Come get me, Slaw!” With that, as Sleeping Beauty wakes with a kiss from her prince, so Jake’s words were as kisses to my ears, and off we raced, with Jake shrieking in joy, and my heart singing from a small step toward human contact.

Life can be very good.

Lectio Divina

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”
~ e. e. cummings

A friend just suggested that perhaps I could use my writing or journaling as my own personal lectio divina tool, to help me find my place in the world. I had to look it up, having no idea what a lectio divina tool might be. The answer I found sounds appealing. I will try a commitment to write every day for the rest of the month, in my own small fashion participating in NaNoWriMo, since I don’t have enough time to try to write 50,000 words this month on top of graduate school and parenting work.

Lectio is reverential listening; listening both in a spirit of silence and of awe. We are listening for the still, small voice … that will speak to us personally - not loudly, but intimately. In lectio we read slowly, attentively, gently listening to hear a word or phrase that is the word for us this day.

Translating that to my writing means that I must enter a place of stillness in my writing, and be open to the words or messages that might come to me. I have often described my writing as an opening, almost a channeling of something outside of myself. When my best writing comes out, I don’t feel in control of it. Rather, I seek to ride the torrent of words that flows through me in the way that a sailor finds the sweet spot in the wind to push her sailboat to the maximum, finding a delicate balance between over-steering and losing the wind or riding so high that the wind flips the boat over.

Once we have found a word or a passage that speaks to us in a personal way, we must take it in and “ruminate” on it. We must take in the words - that is, memorize them - and while gently repeating them to ourselves, allow the words to interact with our thoughts, our hopes, our memories, our desires. This is the second step or stage in lectio divina - meditatio. Through meditatio we allow those words to touch us and affect us at our deepest levels.

I have fallen out of a habit of meditating, lately. I have been busy, thinking, creating, writing, reading, job searching, learning new ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) techniques, pondering what worked and what didn’t in my work with autistic children. I have been researching for projects, researching for job ideas, thinking hard about where my place is. Perhaps I need to spend more time in reflection and meditation, thinking about the still, small voice that speaks to me.

The third step in lectio divina is oratio - prayer: the offering of parts of ourselves that we have not previously believed wanted. In this we allow the words that we have taken in and on which we are pondering to touch and change our deepest selves. In this oratio, we allow our real selves to be touched and changed by the words.

Perhaps, in taking the time to write regularly, to think deeply about the words I write, and to allow myself to be touched and changed by those words, I will understand the path my life needs to take.

"The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes."
~ Benjamin Disraeli

Tyranny

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."
~ C. S. Lewis, English essayist & juvenile novelist (1898 - 1963)

How ironic, that there is a great movement afoot to ban children and families from viewing the movie "Golden Compass" or reading Philip Pullman's wonderful series, His Dark Materials. I've received emails telling me the book is anti-Christian, that the author, an atheist, is attempting to recruit children to atheism. It's true, Pullman is a self-avowed agnostic (see his website), but I found the series incredibly spiritual and profound in its questions about the meaning of life and how we should aspire to live.

The banning email in question refers to the Narnia series, the great work that C. S. Lewis wrote for children, as an example of what Pullman is trying to destroy. And yet, Lewis abhorred censorship, as evidenced by his quote above.

I plan to watch the movie when it's released. We already own the books, and love them.

Technology and Education

“It is not the strongest species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change.”
~ Charles Darwin

This semester, I am taking a class called Computers as a Teacher’s Aide. It’s been somewhat interesting.

At the beginning of the class, the professor asked us what would make the class boring for us. I responded by writing that if the class was geared to absolute neophytes in MS Office products, which is what we’re learning about, I would be bored. Sadly, most of the students (most of whom are under 25) are neophytes, and can’t keep up with the projects or lectures in class. Luckily, I learn at least one new thing each class, which keeps my attention engaged enough to be able to stay awake through class. This week, I learned about that cool little marker tool in PowerPoint, that you can use to mark up slides in the middle of a presentation. Never noticed that before.

I’ve been pondering why I am the most technologically literate person in the class, as a 50-year-old returning non-traditional student. I am shocked at how non-proficient the younger students are, since in my family, the younger the sibling, the more technologically proficient we grew to be. I didn’t have computers in the home before I hit young adulthood. My youngest brother grew up with an Apple 2c.

Taking this class has led me on a time-consuming and fascinating path to discovering exactly what is out there on the new internet: a wealth of tools that I never dreamed about, a Pandora’s Box of ways for my children to get themselves in trouble without education and supervision (which NONE of them are receiving at school) and an amazing array of ideas that can revolutionize education.

And what are the teachers that I meet saying about these tools? “Why do we need them? Children learn just fine without them.” or “It’s just too much trouble to learn how to do this.” And our children are merrily marching off to a future that we can’t even begin to dream of, and will work in jobs that haven’t yet been created, doing work that hasn’t yet been invented, using tools that are unimaginable to us today.

Today, I got lost in cyberspace, reading a wiki on education and technology.

Tomorrow, and for the rest of my days as a teacher, I will be thinking about the implications of all the new technology on how I will teach. I am already writing a paper on how to use wikis to facilitate group writing projects.

I am glad to be alive in today’s world, with all its glorious potential.

“The illiterate of the 21st Century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.”
~ Alvin Toffler

The Osprey

We must learn to respect others and their boundaries. Osprey comes into our lives to specifically teach us that those we want to treat with disdain or contempt should be treated with respect regardless of how we feel. We might be drawn to fierce personalities, and then clash with them; osprey energy teaches us that we are able to maintain our integrity but taking a step back and practicing respect.
~ wildspeak

Nature, when we pay attention, always finds a way to teach us a lesson.

This week, my middle daughter’s class had an upset. A female classmate experienced an incident of sexual harassment from one of her classmates, and the entire class was unhappy about both the incident and the apparent lack of action by the school administration to this particular incident, especially in contrast to previous similar incidents where boys were suspended. Two days later, the same class went on a 3-day, 2-night camping trip. I drove the students to their site, and got to hear (and participate) in an interesting discussion about their feelings.

The feelings were strong, causing some vengeful behavior and reactions verging on an old-fashioned shunning. I was a little surprised by the vehemence of reaction on the part of the boys. Some of the parents (myself included) were concerned that they would copy-cat the action and all the girls would experience an escalation of undesirable behavior. These are young adolescents, in a mixed class of 12-14 year olds. Young adolescents are not particularly known for their thoughtful behavior.

Instead, the boys reacted with strong disapproval. Ok, partly because the entire class was forbidden to play tag for an undetermined amount of time. None-the-less, I was surprised and pleased to see that the girls wouldn’t need to fend off unwanted attention all through the camping trip. Instead, the boy needed to fend off unwanted and heavy-handed censure. It’s too bad; had the administration acted as they had for similar previous actions, perhaps the boys in the class wouldn’t have felt the need to impose their own censure. Instead, I think the boy experienced much worse peer-punishment.

I dropped off the students at their camping site, and returned the following evening to chaperone for the night. After arriving at the campsite, the students and teachers pointed out an osprey who had taken shelter at the edge of the lake where they were camping and hadn’t moved all day. About an hour after we returned to the site, the osprey finally moved position, flying to a branch even closer to the campsite, as though to make sure the students noticed it was still there. They did and shrieked with delight to see it even closer.

One of the other parent chaperones went home for some supplies and to relieve his partner while she taught an evening course, and returned with the above quote on the significance of the osprey as an animal totem. When one of the teacher guides read the statement to the class, they responded with deep and profound silence for an incredibly long time. I was moved, not only by the statement, but by the way the class thought long and hard about the message the osprey was delivering to them.

Nature, when we take the time to see and listen, can teach us how to be better humans.

A Prayer of Sorrow

We have forgotten who we are.
We have alienated ourselves from the unfolding of the cosmos.
We have become estranged from the movements of the earth.
We have turned our backs on the cycles of life.
We have sought only our own security,
We have exploited simply for our own ends,
We have distorted our knowledge, we have abused our power.

Now the land is barren,
And the waters are poisoned,
And the air is polluted.

Now the forests are dying,
And the creatures are disappearing,
And the humans are despairing.

We ask forgiveness.
We ask for the gift of remembering.
We ask for the strength to change.

~ U.N. Environmental Sabbath Program

Yesterday, I substituted in a local middle school. I had heard that the school could be challenging. It wasn’t; they were just normal middle school kids – that’s challenging enough.

Did they try to push the envelope? Of course they did. I used the excuse, while on the phone with my mom later while wishing her a happy birthday, that I expected them to act that way, that we all did with substitute teachers while growing up. And as the words left my mouth, I felt a twinge of regret that it was so, that I was even expecting that the students would try to see how far they could go.

I know that it’s partly because they don’t know me. They haven’t had a chance to develop a level of mutual respect and trust with me. And I wonder what it says about our educational system, that for generations now, we have assumed that we should begin our relationships with teachers with a sense of distrust, suspicion, an unwillingness to enter into a relationship of accord, even with strangers who enter the classroom to help for a day when a teacher need be elsewhere.

Somewhere in a deep string within my body, an atonal chord has been plucked. It’s all twisted up with knowledge from my adolescent psych class about how young adolescents are taking steps into adulthood, and the twisted way we in the western world have kept them in babyhood and helplessness for far too long. We want to shelter our children all our lives – I know my mom feels so helpless for me right now, and wishes more than anything that she could magically make a job appear, or magically heal the breach that occurred in my marriage.

We don’t give our adolescents the ability to grow into adulthood gracefully or meaningfully, so they find other ways to assert their independence. No lion to overcome? Well, then, let’s overcome the traffic laws and policemen trying to enforce them, or let’s overcome the teachers in school, or let’s overcome the boredom of enforced infancy for far too many years, as our parents deny their children the ability to wander in the woods, learn from their own mistakes, or head off to college on their own….

That chord reverberated wrong in my heart because at some deep level, I know that we need to have respect for elders. Some of my most amazing conversations and insights have come from casual conversation with my elders. And in our twisted Western world, elders aren’t respected, revered, trusted. They are shunted off into homes with caretakers, where we can’t see them, where we don’t need to face our discomfort with their physical ailments, their slipping minds, their slowing ability to keep up with our insanely frenetic pace of life.

I’m not sure what the answer is. This reading struck another strong chord in me, as I read it this morning. We have truly lost touch with our world, physical and emotional. While the words reflect on the environmental damage done to our world, to me, they also reflect the damage we have done to our psyche as humans, when we stopped being oriented toward community, and started orienting ourselves to self above others.

Perhaps that’s the explanation for why children (and adults) no longer have a deep and abiding respect for elders. Perhaps that’s why we suffer from alienation and powerlessness. Perhaps we need to think about others again, to remember how it is to put others first, to live unselfishly, to work for the common good above our own needs.

It’s a nice thought.

Irony

In a completely rational society, the best of us would aspire to be teachers and the rest of us would have to settle for something less, because passing civilization along from one generation to the next ought to be the highest honor and the highest responsibility anyone could have.
~ Lee Iacocca

This semester, I’m taking a course in literacy for upper elementary students. I find it rather ironic that my current readings for class are telling me that the best and latest research on how we learn is coming from corporations. They’re doing research to help their adult employees learn quickly and effectively to keep up with all the rapid changes in the world. And the research is trickling down into schools, allowing teachers to help their child and adolescent students learn more effectively, too.

Yesterday, while browsing school websites, looking for open teaching positions, I came across a district that was promised money for school improvements, then had their funding yanked. This is an Abbott district, which in NJ means that the district is under-funded and under-achieving, academically-wise. I find myself wondering how we managed to get to this place where our children come absolutely last in the efforts of our politicians. I’m pretty sure that they care about their children, their grandchildren, their nieces and nephews, their neighborhood children. So why can’t they see their way clear to making legislation that supports our children above the interests of corporations and greed?

It’s a sad indictment on our country that we aren’t spending enough money on our schools to help children learn effectively.

Class

Oh. My. Goodness.

I think I have finally figured it out. The reason for the lesson the universe is insisting I learn right now. The one that has made sure I’ve endured trial after trial after trial.

For a while, I thought maybe I needed to learn grace under pressure, or how to allow stress to just flow through my body without affecting me, or something zen-like that would help my coping skills. I was, after all, a rather reactionary teen, easily erupting into flames upon the slightest provocation. My brothers called me Lucy (from Peanuts) growing up because I was so bossy. And there were many, many slammed doors during my adolescence. So I felt as though perhaps I was enduring a bit of “what goes around, comes around” kind of same-lifetime karmic debt. Except it wasn’t my own adolescents reacting that way, causing me the trials and tribulations of what my parents had to endure during my adolescence. It was life from outside attacking from all quarters.

I had a wonderful conversation yesterday with a friend from my covenant group, who called because she was concerned about my well-being, given all I’ve been through in the last couple years. She told me about “The Cloud of Unknowing”, written by a 14th century monk as guide to achieving perfect union with the creator. Since our conversation, I’ve been contemplating how a lesson might be pulled from the idea that I must let go of all earthly concerns to find perfect peace.

And then this Ann Landers quote arrived in my inbox this morning:

“Class is the sure-footedness that comes with having proved you can meet life.”

and I realized … it’s that simple. I am learning class. That’s the lesson the universe is currently force-feeding me.

Maybe it really is all about grace under pressure.

I think I will be some classy chick when life is through with me.

What do you think?

Wanted: Job for a creative teacher!

So why is it that baby boomer teachers are retiring all over the country, causing a major shortage of teachers, and in northwestern NJ, no one will leave???!!!

According to the NY Times, schools are offering bonuses as they compete for a limited pool of teachers. And the local schools here have no openings.

I have one friend telling me about the many positions in Fairfax, Virginia. Another telling me that Las Vegas has hundreds of unfilled positions. And my children beg me to not make them leave their schools. Makes it really challenging to know what to do.

In the meanwhile, I’ve registered to sub at every local school. I’m hoping that will help me at least get some interviews.

200+ applicants for one position are odds too just overwhelming for any normal person.

But someone, somewhere, will want a teacher who is passionate about learning, great at building rapport with students, excited about teaching (AND with years of experience working with children and adolescents, so knows what she is getting into!), and with extraordinary gifts to share with children.

If you are such an administrator, want my resume?

“The essence of optimism is that it takes no account of the present, but it is a source of inspiration, of vitality and hope where others have resigned; it enables a man to hold his head high, to claim the future for himself and not to abandon it to his enemy.”

—Dietrich Bonhoeffer (1906-1945), theologian

What Tarot Card are You?

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Nebula!

Some photos of Nebula Workshop, for your enjoyment.

It was a grueling hot week, and we had fun anyway!

Guide Bradley helped us learn all about wild edibles.
(We learned how to brush our teeth with sassafras.)


We cooked with Guide Robin.

We letterboxed with Guide Andy.


We gardened with Guide Mike.

We built fires.

We slept overnight under the stars.

It was hot. We survived.

We cooled off in the stream.

We fell in love all over again with nature.

It was an awesome week!

Staying on the Surface

Your life is not
an endless series of open doors!
Listen to your heart!
Do not stay on the surface
but go to the heart of things!
And when the time is right,
have the courage to decide!
~ Pope John Paul II

This is a week for me to be pondering whether or not I am managing to get to the heart of things. Looking for a teaching job can be discouraging.

When I started, the unemployment office told me that elementary teacher positions were the second highest need job in New Jersey. I took that as a good sign … there were lots of opportunities to find a teaching position once I received my certification. So I took a leap of faith, went back to school in a grueling endurance test for me and the girls, and now am the proud owner of a K-5 teaching certificate, plus a middle school social studies cert on its way!

And those jobs? Well, they certainly aren’t local. Teachers in this part of the state stay in their jobs for an eternity. I mean 30 to 40 years. Nobody leaves. Once in a blue moon, someone gets pregnant and a maternity spot opens up, but those are few and far between because most of the teachers are in their 50’s or older!

Which means this summer has also been a test of my faith in myself. Can I maintain my confidence in myself when I’m not even invited in for interviews?

That quote by Pope John Paul II has made me stop and take stock of my life. Have I walked by an open door? If those open doors are truly finite in number, have I passed by an opportunity? Does that mean I should be looking at teaching positions as far away as Jersey City?

Have I gone to the heart of myself? Have I faced my fears? Do I have lingering questions on my capabilities to be a teacher that remain unaddressed, that might sway an interviewer to consider me less than perfectly capable? Have I allowed doubt to creep into my voice, my demeanor?

Have I kept courage? Have I maintained my faith in myself? If I can’t believe that I’m the best person for a teaching position, how would I ever convince someone else to hire me?

This morning I sit, pondering the heart of job-seeking. It’s an amazing process, to re-enter the job market as a neophyte at 50 years old. That quiet confidence that results from years of success needs to be solidly shored up from previous unrelated experiences. I have to dig deep into the Why I was successful; pull the core essence of my strengths into a new vision – a vision of a new me – a vision of a new future.

Not so easy to do.

Each morning, as I sit to review the new posted ads, I also review what drew me to teaching. I remember my successes, and my failures, in all my work with children and youth. The successes rebuild my confidence each day, the failures help me determine how and where I need to grow to become even better.

Each morning, as I sip my coffee in the quiet of a house with slumbering children, I think about what makes a good teacher, and I resolve within myself to recognize those gifts within me, to celebrate the lessons learned, to recognize my call to teach.

And I trust that the right door will be open, that I will recognize that door when I pass it, and that I will have the courage to walk through that door when I find it.

I will stay in the heart.

My Dæmon

We just watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix yesterday, driving an hour and a half (in an air-conditioned car!!) to an air-conditioned mall, to watch the IMAX version of OoP, and the girls treated me (with their recently earned babysitting money) to dinner, in the air-conditioned mall!

Can you tell that it was hot yesterday???!!!

I loved the movie - thought it was the best since the first movie. And the special effects in 3-D at the IMAX theater were awesome, so if you have a chance to see it that way, go!

We were talking about upcoming movies, since we didn't see any previews at the IMAX, and Traveler Girl asked me to get her copies of Phillip Pullman's Dark Materials series, so she could reread them before the movie is released. We both loved the books, so I spend my Amazon coupon buying a copy of the series, since now there are three of us (perhaps four by then) who will want to reread the books before the movie arrives.

Then a friend sent this link, to find your own Dæmon. And the site gives you a few days to ask for feedback from friends before the Dæmon is finalized. So here's your chance ... click on the link and let me know if you agree or disagree with my self-assessment!

NOT MY DAUGHTER! YOU BITCH!!!
- Molly Weasley

HP is HERE!!!!!

and I can't open my box until late tonight .... egghghghgghgh

From my adolescent psych class

I haven't posted in a long time, because I've been drowning in my summer courses and planning two camps! I'm children's director at UUMAC and co-director of Nebula Workshops.

I thought you'd enjoy my latest ponderings for the Adolescent Psych course that I have thoroughly enjoyed this summer.

The Question:

“B. Which adolescent problem detailed in your book do you personally see and the most threatening to our young people today? Explain your answer and remember to use the information in the texts and not just rely on your personal opinion. Do you know (or did you know) an adolescent with one of the problem behaviors, and if so, what has been the outcome for that teen?”

The Answer:

Wow. This might be the most challenging question in the entire class.

All of the problems the text evaluates are serious problems … risk-taking behavior while driving, substance use, crime, depression, eating disorders. All of them have great potential to be life threatening. All of them are typical behaviors for adolescents, far too prevalent for my own comfort. And none of them appear to be “new problems” that can be attributed to the ills of today’s society. Even Shakespeare, in 1610, said, “I would that there were no age between ten and three-and-twenty, or that youth would sleep out the rest; for there is nothing in between but getting wenches with child, wronging the ancientry, stealing, fighting …” And anorexia was first identified in 1689, with the clinical diagnoses still the same today.

After much introspection over my coffee this morning, I believe that delinquency and crime are the largest threat to our youth today. Here’s why:

Adolescence-limited delinquents (ALDs) are criminals who engage in delinquency or crime for a shorter period of time, primarily through adolescence and emerging adulthood. They show no signs of problems during childhood, and few of them engage in criminal activity after their mid-twenties. ALD’s can be distinguished from life-course-persistent delinquents (LCPDs), who show a pattern of problems from birth onward, and tend to continue criminal activity well into adulthood. Studies in multiple cultures show that ALD types of crimes appear in part because of the role expectations of young males as they demonstrate readiness for manhood, as the Truk Island young men exemplify.

In the US in particular, courts and laws have become much tougher on even minor crimes, and more people than ever are being sent to jail instead of rehabilitation. The US has the highest incarceration rate of all the industrialized nations. There are also stark disparities in racial composition in our prisons, with African Americans accounting for fully 1/2 of prison population, but only 13% of the total population.

Punishment continues after prison sentences are completed. Former prisoners are denied social services, many potential jobs, even federal college loans for a minor drug offense. Reintegration into society is exceedingly difficult; if they lack opportunities to support families or selves, recidivism is almost inevitable.

Adolescents are developing their self-image, according to Erickson, and depend heavily on peers for that work. Crimes committed by youth and young adults are frequently done in a group. The search for excitement and sensation-seeking adventure may lead to activities that violate the law. It almost seems that the cards are stacked against our youth, males in particular. Combine racism to that volatile mix, and we end up with lots of incarcerated youth for minor infractions, and lives ruined. The potential for repeat crimes grows with each incarceration, in part due to peer contagion, where high risk youth are brought together who then form a delinquent clique (also normal adolescent behavior).

The costs to society, in terms of dollars spent on incarceration, recidivism, and the ruined lives of our young people, are too high to comprehend. The cost to society of repeat offenders, who return to a life of crime because they cannot find a way to make life work after incarceration, is also too high, in terms of property loss, life loss, and mental anguish, for families of criminals and victims.

There are no easy answers. Criminal reform is happening slowly, in a few places, and it appears to be working. Our text describes multisystemic approaches, which are cost effective as well as effective in reducing crimes. My hope is that we can make positive changes in prison reform and societal reform to correct some of the endemic societal ills that lead to incarceration.

To that effect, I work on prison reform as part of my religious beliefs. I also volunteer time in a program called Alternatives to Violence Project (AVP), which is a proven effective program to teach prisoners a different way of living and helps them avoid recidivism. The AVP program has also been carried out to the community, and has shown to be effective in preventing crime with adolescents, especially when run with a combination of former criminals and volunteers.

Do I know any adolescents currently going through this program? No, but I do know adults who have been in this place of delinquency and are incarcerated as a result of mistakes made in their youth. These are the incarcerated adults that I work with in AVP, and knowing them has in turn compelled me to work with all of my energy toward preventing crime in adolescents. It’s part of my decision to become a teacher.

Robin Slaw

Public Service Announcement:
To find out more, you can visit:
(AVP) http://www.avpusa.org/
(Prison reform) http://www.uua.org/socialjustice/socialjustice/statements/13397.shtml

No one can be perfectly free until all are free.
~ Herbert Spencer

Travel Girl, day 6

I am going to admit to feeling somewhat jealous of Travel Girl's adventures! Look where she is today!

Kula Bird Eco Park

Imagine, if you will, a cool green forest nestled in a small valley. A stream wanders between the trees, making its way through the valley to the Pacific Ocean. Trees bearing strange fruits, nuts and blossoms have names like Dawa, Ivi, Vutu and Vesi and tower above the valley floor filtering the sun. The banks of the stream are dotted with brightly colored flowers and shrubs. As you wander over the many bridges spanning the sparkling ribbon of water, you're greeted by the call of a barking pigeon, the shrill of honey eaters and the constant, pulsing concert of unseen forest dwellers. This is the South Pacific. This is the wild side of Fiji and you've arrived at Kula Eco Park.

The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.
~St. Augustine

Tracking my daughter, Travel Girl

Please indulge me as I wonder aloud about my eldest daughter, who must now be named Travel Girl, who is off on her People to People exchange trip to the South Pacific. I'm so proud of her, this daughter who wouldn't leave my knee until she was five years old, who was so worried about starting school at age 13 for the first time (even a tiny charter school with a total of 105 students, K-8), who successfully navigated her first year of high school (first time in a real public school), and then who decided to take off for the South Pacific on her first trip away from home, and managed to fund raise and earn half her considerable expenses! And I can't believe how my heart shattered into a bazillion sobbing pieces as I drove away from the airport on Tuesday, after hugging her goodbye! I never anticipated I would miss her this much!

On Day 3 (her first day on the island, she was whisked off to a local arts center, where she watched fire dancers and other esciting events. This is what her itinerary says:

You will be met by traditional warriors who will be your host throughout the day in which you will get to see up close the making of Fijian artifacts, folk dances, chief’s traditional thatched hut plus many enriching experience.

And this is a picture I found on the internet of the Arts Center.


Yesterday she spent the day in a local Fijian school, having an amazing time meeting other students from another culture, I hope!




Today is her 5th day away, 3rd day in Fiji. She's currently on a boat somewhere around Tivua Island. This is what the island looks like, and she's snorkeling, according to her itinerary:

Enjoy local games and beach volleyball including glass bottom boat tours and snorkeling.

I hope my girl is having the time of her life!

Wandering re-establishes the original harmony which once existed between man and the universe.
~Anatole France

Travelogue, part 3

My father considered a walk among the mountains as the equivalent of churchgoing.
~Aldous Huxley

After we dropped Karen off, Diana and I drove up the hill, past the Japanese Gardens, and found a cemetery up at the top of the mountain with an amazing view of Mt. Hood, Mt. St. Helens, and another mountain we couldn’t identify, nearly as tall.

We first hiked down the other side of the hill to find the meridian line marker, the Willamette Stone. It’s the meridian line and baseline from which all the property lines for Oregon and Washington were marked. As a history teacher, how could I resist? Plus the hike was beautiful, through a lush green forest. You can read all about the Willamette Stone here.

We hiked back up the hill (quite a hike, and we were tired – this was one long day of hiking, and I’d been up since 6 am, and my roommies not long after because as hard as I tried to be quiet, once someone’s up in the room, it’s hard to stay asleep. I was just grateful I’d been able to fall asleep when I woke up at 3 am (6 am NJ time, and my normal rising time!) and walked across the street to the cemetery. There were some beautiful gravestones, filled with poetry. You’ll have to wait for that picture – it’s still on one of the disposable cameras Di and I bought after we realized we were REALLY sorry we hadn’t brought a digital camera. (I won’t make that mistake again!)

At the end of the cemetery were memorial benches, and we sat and admired the view and talked for a long while, until we got too cold and went back down the hill to pick up Karen and crack open a bottle of our Hip Chicks wine.

We finished the evening giggling and talking and drinking wine. It was an amazing day.

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves.
~John Muir

Accents

Having been teases mercilessly all week by my roommates at GA, I was glad to prove them wrong with this simple quiz. They swore up and down and all around that I had a “Jersey” accent, I swore I didn’t.

Here’s the results of the test to prove I don’t. So there, Karen and Diana!
:-P

What American accent do you have? (Best version so far) Mid Atlantic Also known as a "Philadelphia accent" but also heard in south Jersey, Baltimore, and thereabouts.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Travelogue, part 2

After we finished touring around the Japanese Gardens, we drove down to a Japanese restaurant and had sushi/teriyake for lunch.

Melanie suggested next that we tour the Portland UU Church, which we did - we had an hour long tour conducted by their Director of Religious Education, Cathy Cartwright. It's an amazing church, grown so much they took over the church next door, and have expanded to a full city block! How wonderful to be a part of a growing vibrant community like that! I'm a little envious, I do admit.

We also had the best little adventure, looking for a winery by the name of Hip Chicks Do Wine. We used Diana's GPS system, and followed right into the heart of an industrial park. Well, you can just imagine our confusion - no vineyards, no greenery whatsoever. A winery, here?

Sure enough, we turned the last corner, to be greeted by a nicely painted garage door and small human door, in lavender, and a very small sign announcing Hip Chicks Do Wine. Hmmmmm...

We slowly opened the door, a bit hesitant about what we'd find inside ... it was dark as we first walked in, and we couldn't see much as we waited for our eyes to adjust. We walked further into the building, and sure enough, we found a warehouse full of kegs of wine, and a small tasting area. And was that wine yummy! We bought a few bottles of wine to enjoy in our room, and Di bought a bottle to take home as a gift for Brad. I'll be ordering some in the fall, after I have some spending money and a job!

After the winery, we dropped Melanie off, and picked up Karen for dinner. We found a nice Thai restaurant downtown, and crammed in a fast dinner so Karen could make it back to her evening session at UU University. Here we are looking at pictures of each other's children.

Here with a Loaf of Bread beneath the Bough,
A Flask of Wine, a Book of Verse - and Thou
Beside me singing in the Wilderness -
And Wilderness is Paradise enow.
~ The Rubiyaiyat of Omar Khayyam

More to come ...

Diana's and Robin's Travelogue

It's Wednesday morning, and we have had two magical days on the west coast. On Monday morning, we decided to rent a car when we arrived in Portland, and drive out to the ocean. We wouldn't be able to get into the hotel room anyway, and I had never seen the Pacific Northwest. So we picked up Karen at the airport, and the three of us piled ourselves and our luggage into a minivan (they had no cars left in spite of Brad's excellent speedy reservation work while we were en route!) so they upgraded us very cheaply due to Diana's smooth pleading!

The drive was magnificent! Here's a picture of what the scenery looked like - not great, it was from my cell phone as we were driving down the Cascade Mountains toward the beach. Most of these pictures will be cell phone pix, I left my fully charged camera sitting on my desk at home.

When we arrived at the beach, we were amazed! It's stunning. We meandered up the coast, starting at a tiny sweet beach town. We pulled over any time we found an overlook point, or a sign for a beach, or even a road name that sounded intriguing (like Falcon Beach Road). But the best stop of all we named "Full Bladder Cove", because we finally all had to pee quite badly, and made Di pull over at the first available spot. Not sure we would have tried that turn off, because it didn't indicate a beach view, but we suspected there might be a toilet there. We did indeed find an outhouse.

But the best beach spot of all was Full Bladder Cove! It was stunning. Lots of rocks on the beach, and a small cave! Diana and I climbed down to the beach and walked into the cave. Di snapped this picture there. This is the view from inside the cave. At the very back (only about 15 yards in, I would estimate) was a small shelf that made a slightly lumpy chair - I called it the Epiphany Chair. It was truly a magical place, and we might not have found had it not been to pressing full bladders!

We continued up the coast, and eventually found ourselves at the mouth of the Columbia River. We found a good restaurant, where I treated myself to Dungeness Crab and Provolone cheese cakes with fruited rice, and Di and Karen had something boring that didn't include seafood, since neither of them like seafood. They both claim their meals were good - I am doubtful, since in my opinion nothing beats a seafood dish right straight out of the ocean!!!

We finally made it to our hotel at about 10 pm (now up for 21 hours straight) and talked for about an hour before passing out.

On Tuesday, Diana and I continued to explore while Karen attended her UU University sessions. We first went up to the Japanese Gardens, where we ran into a DRE friend of mine named Melanie. The gardens were so peaceful and soothing, and amazingly beautiful. Here's a picture of us in front of one of the waterfalls and a Koi pond. Throughout the gardens, there was a constant sound of trickling water, through streams, waterfalls, fountains, and other delightful surprises tucked under trees and shrubs, or hiding in a tiny nook. We were told the one thing to not miss while in Portland was the Japanese Gardens, and we both were so glad we chose that to start our morning.

I do not understand how anyone can live without one small place of enchantment to turn to.
~ Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

More later ...

Passages

Today was graduation at my children's charter school. The graduation was beautiful; it made me cry. I was pondering why I cried so hard this year when I didn't even have a child graduating. One reason was that I did know all the students who graduated very well, and the daughter of one of my dear friends graduated, and I've known her since pre-birth and will miss her very much at that school!

But that wasn't the true reason why I became so emotional. I realized it was because I have had the privilege of watching a graduate blossom and take wing. I have seen the potential realized, and it has been good. In spite of all my frustrations with that school, there is something very powerful there that I continue to believe in.

When I drove home, I stopped at the mailbox and found one precious and hard-earned piece of mail that was very welcome. My teaching Certificate of Eligibility with Advanced Standing! 25 credits and one shit-load of work later, I am now a genuine teacher.

Now all I have to do is find the right match for a job. I admit to being nervous. I am working very hard to trust that the universe will provide what I need to live a life of bliss and joy.

The Squeeze

If we want to communicate and we have a strong aspiration to help others-in terms of engaging in social action, helping our family or community, or just being there for people when they need us-then sooner or later we’re going to experience the big squeeze. Our ideals and the reality of what’s happening don’t match. We feel as if we’re between the fingers of a big giant who is squeezing us. We find ourselves between a rock and a hard place.

There is often a discrepancy between our ideals and what we actually encounter. For instance, in raising children, we have a lot of good ideas, but sometimes it’s challenging to put together the good ideas with how our children are, there at the breakfast table with food all over themselves. Or in meditation, have you noticed how difficult it is to feel emotions without getting totally swept away by them, or how difficult it is simply to cultivate friendliness toward yourself when you’re feeling miserable or panicked or all caught up?

There’s a discrepancy between our inspiration and the situation as it presents itself. It’s the rub between those two things-the squeeze between reality and vision-that causes us to grow up, to wake up to be 100 percent decent, alive, and compassionate. The big squeeze is one of the most productive places on the spiritual path and in particular on this journey of awakening the heart.

~ Comfortable with Uncertainty, Pema Chodron

Last night, helping my middle child with homework left from our farm adventure last week, was a trial in how much compassion and patience I could muster.

We were both overtired. I’d subbed at her school yesterday during Earth Olympics. That’s the experiential and sustainable version of Field Day in other schools. We were outside all day, doing activities like fire-starting with a bowdrill, building a cob oven, throwing sticks at rabbit cones a la indigenous throwing stick style, purifying stream water, edible weed walking, and building natural art. I was a runner – escort service for children needing the nurse, toilet – or break relief for the teachers between groups. It was a fun day, and I was tired from hiking up and down steep hills all day.

My daughter was exhausted. She’d been at Earth Olympics, and then had a school dance that evening. We won’t even try to go into why a decision was made to allow the students to hold a dance on a Tuesday night on the evening after they’d been outside all day in extraordinary physical exercise.

And she was frustrated, because the farm scavenger hunt wasn’t finished, there were three other students in her group (one of whom had already left for the year to travel with her family, the only other student who works as hard as my daughter). And no one appeared to be helping with the last bits of the assignment. She was trying to accumulate the last pieces of information, including finding Latin names for all the produce grown by the CSG. She was beyond exhausted, in tears, and losing it big time.

I did manage to calm her down, gave her a 15-minute time limit to finish as many as she could before she had to go to bed. I reminded her that her team had probably completed more work than any other team there, and that she’d put an additional number of hours in on top of what her team accomplished that day. That it was her drawing in the final report, her poem in the final report, and that she would be handing in the project. The teacher would know who did all the extra work, and she would receive the credit.

She managed to get another half dozen Latin names in her 15 minutes, plus complete one essay answer on how invasive species change ecosystems (none of us had noticed that we hadn’t answered that question). And she went to bed and left me the most heartbreakingly beautiful thank you note, thanking me for my patience.

You can only imagine the cringing I was feeling inside, as I reflected on my lack of patience with her last night, how annoyed I was that she was taking this assignment too seriously. I was also annoyed with the lack of foresight in that school about giving assignments over a time with so many activities at the school, and no time during school to work as a group. I was annoyed that I had no chance to sit down and recover from a long exhausting day, as I carted both older children back and forth to the dance, ran to the supermarket to pick up chips because we’d forgotten to buy them on Sunday.

These were welcome words this morning, a reminder that I need to take the time to breathe through the difference between my ideal and my reality. That big squeeze that Chodron talks about is a daily reality in my life, and my challenge is to walk between my vision and reality, and find the compassion to continue to give to others, and help them find a peaceful way to live.

My dream is to enable my daughters to find that peaceful place inside themselves.

The Hike at Genesis Farm

On Friday, I took a field trip to our local Community Supported Garden, with my middle child's class. They had a final exam on bioregional studies, in the form of a scavenger hunt. I had a blast, even though the temperature was 40 degrees higher than the night before, and 20 degrees higher than the two days before (upper 90's F).

One discovery was to be the highest point of the farm. We decided to visit all three points (on three different very steep hills (verging on small mountains) and take photos, so that we wouldn't have to trudge all the way back up after finding the highest point.

One of the pieces of the scavenger hunt was to be a poem about the day. My team of girls decided they'd get more points if EVERYONE in the group wrote a poem. Then they decided that included me. So here's my contribution to the group effort, all about the climb to the top.

The Highest Point at Genesis Farm
by Robin Slaw

Heat rising in fiery blasts.
Steep hill to climb.
Short breathe, dry throat,
Wondering if we will make it to the top.

Pounding head, vision doubled,
Skull baking in the heat of the sun.
Path rising endlessly before us,
Will we make it to the top?

Hill crested.
Shade of the grandmother tree inviting.
Flop down, restore breathing,
sit up and look around.
Did we make it to the top?

Crickets buzzing, birds singing.
Twenty more feet to go.
Gulping water, wiping down faces,
eying the top with questions.
Will the top be worth the trip?

Arising with groans and expletives,
We trudge the last remaining feet,
heads down, counting the steps,
Are we there yet, at the top?

Muscles quivering, we raise our heads
and wonder at the view before us.
Effort forgotten, amazement awoken,
We whisper our awe to the world.
Did we make it to the top?

Distant blue mountains, shimmering in the haze.
A hawk soaring in the currents above us.
Breathless with wonder, overcome with the beauty.
Was it worth it, to make it to the top?
Yes!

Finished!

Do not train children to learning by force and harshness, but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.
~ Plato

I spent the evening reading over a bag full of thank you letters from my students. The letters are more precious than I know how to describe. They touched my heart deeply, because they let me know how deeply I touched their hearts.

One of the most precious letters is from a boy with an IEP. He doesn’t appear to be interested in lessons. Lots of days he sleeps through class; other days he sometimes appears to listen. Mostly, I considered him one of my failures, someone that I might one day learn how to reach, but someone this year that I failed.

To my great surprise, he wrote a thank you note, to tell me how much fun I made class. That he learned a lot from me. And he touched my heart in a very special way.

I think what I need most to carry away from this experience is to never give up on one single student; that I will never know what kind of effect I am having on a student. To keep trying to get through, even when it seems hopeless, because as a teacher, I should never give up on a student. I am touched more profoundly by this simple, misspelled note than by any glowing and well-written missive in my bag full of notes.

I’ve also learned that I need to not listen to opinions about students from other teachers. I’ve learned that teachers can get jaded after a while, and I can’t, or won’t, let myself become that way. If I do, then it will obviously be time to leave the teaching profession and fine another career. I hope it will be obvious to me, if I ever reach that point.

Every child has some genius in her or him. I must never forget that.

The job of an educator is to teach students to see vitality in themselves.
~ Joseph Campbell

Risk

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
~ T. S. Eliot

I have one more week of apprentice teaching left. It’s been a long and exhausting trip, and more exhilarating than I could ever have imagined. Well, ok, I imagined it, but was almost afraid to dare to believe that it would be so much fun.

I don’t ever remember being so bone weary. I’m sure I haven’t ever gone so long with so little sleep and not been deathly ill. That’s a huge testament to how positively I feel about the entire grand experiment – the fact that I haven’t been sick at all this semester, in spite of so little sleep for so many weeks.

The last four months have been an interesting experiment in learning how far I can go. How long can I go without adequate sleep? A long time … four months. How much would I enjoy teaching? A lot … as much as I dared to hope, more than I expected. Will I be able to survive in a teaching position? That remains to be seen … I’m looking for work now. Will children respond to me as a teacher? Yes, resoundingly … to the point of trying to bribe my Field Supervisor to make sure he gave me an “A” when he asked the children what grade they thought I deserved. Would the girls and I survive the intense pressure of essentially working and going to school at the same time? Yes, barely … they have a good example now of how a person can just keep going, even when she’s broken down in tears, not sure how she’ll make it. My girls have been amazing throughout this process! Will my house fall apart? Well, yes. Almost. Oh well.

In contemplating how far any one person can go, I ponder what inherent qualities a person must have in order to follow a dream, in order to live life by risking, and trusting, that we will be able to carry ourselves through, that we can and will find the strength, the will, the faith to continue against what seem like insurmountable odds. How does one develop a faith in oneself? How does one believe in oneself? How does one trust in oneself?

From where did all those qualities in me come? I don’t know how I managed to develop them, how I found the strength to just keep going on. I just did, one baby step at a time. When the next day seemed like an impossible goal, I looked at the next hour, and managed to make it through. When the next hour seemed insurmountable, I concentrated on hanging on or producing for five more minutes. And when I reached those five minutes, the next five minutes were possible, too…

Human endurance is amazing. Human willpower perhaps knows no bounds. And I now understand that I still don’t know my limits, except that those limits are further than I ever dreamed possible.

I’ve begun sending out resumes, starting to look for a teaching job. There are two possible positions in nearby schools. One advertised, for a middle school social studies teacher, which I would love to have! And that position, since it’s advertised, will have lots of competition. I had a friend’s husband deliver that resume & letter, hoping it would give me an edge, since he works there.

The other position is with another local school; I heard there might be a position open and it hasn’t been advertised.

Wish me luck!

Week 10 finished

I am two-thirds of the way through apprentice teaching!

It's hard to believe that so much time has gone by! I am loving every second of it, too much work and all. And at the same time, I am sooooo relieved to see that I only have five more weeks of writing extremely detailed lesson plans and keeping up with night classes all while being as perfect a teacher as I can.

My house is a wreck; my children are barely hanging on while not receiving enough attention from Mom; and I am taking oodles of vitamins, hoping not to wear myself out completely due to lack of sleep. I think after May 11th, I will sleep for a week straight through!

I had a semi-sad experience this week. The fifth grade just finished studying the US Constitution. Ok, not the most interesting thing in the world, I admit. Especially for a bunch of 11 year-olds. So I tried my best to bring them interesting ways to make government studies alive for them, and went out of my way to really help them understand. And then gave a test, straight out of the textbook, because it was a short unit and I was concentrating on getting two more units up and running. And they did so poorly on the test.

I should say, they did as normal for the test. The B students got B's. The A students got A's. The C students got C's. It was eye-opening; despite my best work, some children are ready to learn, others aren't.

Thank goodness the same day I also was able to introduce a new project to the students - a fourteen day journaling experience to help them understand Lewis and Clark and the Westward Expansion of the United States. The journaling project was used by my cooperating teacher in previous years, I took to the project and designed my own spin, since I didn't know how she implemented it in previous years. It was good to hear some of the students say, "Wow, this will be a fun project!" and a needed reinforcement that I do indeed have good ideas; I can make a difference as a teacher.

The other gem for my week was the understanding that some of the alternative projects that I designed did help some students. The sixth grade did a presentation on Greek Mythology, and some of the students pulled up their normal grade when given a chance for an alternative assessment. Seeing children blossom when allowed the chance to learn and teach in a way that is better for them than traditional schoolwork is truly rewarding.

The task of the excellent teacher is to stimulate "apparently ordinary" people to unusual effort. The tough problem is not in identifying winners: it is in making winners out of ordinary people.
~ K. Patricia Cross

Fun Tarot Quiz

This was a fun Tarot quiz that my friend Suna had on her blog.

The Sun - Interesting. I am happy right now. Things have gone right since last summer, and I do feel like I have managed to overcome so very many obstacles in my life this year!

Strength - it's about inner strength. I have felt like I had to depend on my inner strength this year, for sure. It's paid off, with an opportunity for education that I made happen through sheer determination. And good grades, again through sheer will power.

High Priestess - knowledge. Good card for someone back in graduate school.

Empress - all about gestation. Good card for someone in apprentice teaching this semester!

Justice - regaining equilibrium. Yes, this is a good reminder for me that I need to find my equilibrium, not only for the semester, but in my new chosen career, and in my life. For a year, I have chosen to hibernate while I study, not work on my social or emotional life other than with my children. That will need to change soon.

Death - I hope this is my indication that I will rise again like a phoenix from the ashes. From change comes something better is what this card tells me.

Fool - my second chance? And maybe a warning to be careful.

Emperor - be bold. hmmm. A chance to practice more of my idea of what makes a good teacher?

Tower - rude awakening. Am I the rude awakening, or am I to receive a rude awakening?

I also thought it was interesting that my scores for Devil and Lovers was so low. No time in my life for impulse or falling in love. That would be true, in my mind, right now.

I have some things to think about ...

You scored as XIX: The Sun. This is the happiest card in the deck. It is full of joy and optimism, everything is right with the world. We are as innocent children playing in the fields without care. The Sun brings success, well-being and happiness in all spheres - material, emotional, spiritual -wherever our desires lay.When this card appears in a Tarot spread it indicates success, joy and happiness. Obstacles will be overcome, goals achieved.When badly aspected, it can indicate a stagnation through over-indulgence, too much of a good thing. XIX: The Sun 88% VIII - Strength 88% II - The High Priestess 81% III - The Empress 81% XI: Justice 75% XIII: Death 75% 0 - The Fool 63% IV - The Emperor 63% XVI: The Tower 63% I - Magician 50% X - Wheel of Fortune 44% XV: The Devil 13% VI: The Lovers 0% Which Major Arcana Tarot Card Are You? created with QuizFarm.com