Staying on the Surface

Your life is not
an endless series of open doors!
Listen to your heart!
Do not stay on the surface
but go to the heart of things!
And when the time is right,
have the courage to decide!
~ Pope John Paul II

This is a week for me to be pondering whether or not I am managing to get to the heart of things. Looking for a teaching job can be discouraging.

When I started, the unemployment office told me that elementary teacher positions were the second highest need job in New Jersey. I took that as a good sign … there were lots of opportunities to find a teaching position once I received my certification. So I took a leap of faith, went back to school in a grueling endurance test for me and the girls, and now am the proud owner of a K-5 teaching certificate, plus a middle school social studies cert on its way!

And those jobs? Well, they certainly aren’t local. Teachers in this part of the state stay in their jobs for an eternity. I mean 30 to 40 years. Nobody leaves. Once in a blue moon, someone gets pregnant and a maternity spot opens up, but those are few and far between because most of the teachers are in their 50’s or older!

Which means this summer has also been a test of my faith in myself. Can I maintain my confidence in myself when I’m not even invited in for interviews?

That quote by Pope John Paul II has made me stop and take stock of my life. Have I walked by an open door? If those open doors are truly finite in number, have I passed by an opportunity? Does that mean I should be looking at teaching positions as far away as Jersey City?

Have I gone to the heart of myself? Have I faced my fears? Do I have lingering questions on my capabilities to be a teacher that remain unaddressed, that might sway an interviewer to consider me less than perfectly capable? Have I allowed doubt to creep into my voice, my demeanor?

Have I kept courage? Have I maintained my faith in myself? If I can’t believe that I’m the best person for a teaching position, how would I ever convince someone else to hire me?

This morning I sit, pondering the heart of job-seeking. It’s an amazing process, to re-enter the job market as a neophyte at 50 years old. That quiet confidence that results from years of success needs to be solidly shored up from previous unrelated experiences. I have to dig deep into the Why I was successful; pull the core essence of my strengths into a new vision – a vision of a new me – a vision of a new future.

Not so easy to do.

Each morning, as I sit to review the new posted ads, I also review what drew me to teaching. I remember my successes, and my failures, in all my work with children and youth. The successes rebuild my confidence each day, the failures help me determine how and where I need to grow to become even better.

Each morning, as I sip my coffee in the quiet of a house with slumbering children, I think about what makes a good teacher, and I resolve within myself to recognize those gifts within me, to celebrate the lessons learned, to recognize my call to teach.

And I trust that the right door will be open, that I will recognize that door when I pass it, and that I will have the courage to walk through that door when I find it.

I will stay in the heart.