Risk

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
~ T. S. Eliot

I have one more week of apprentice teaching left. It’s been a long and exhausting trip, and more exhilarating than I could ever have imagined. Well, ok, I imagined it, but was almost afraid to dare to believe that it would be so much fun.

I don’t ever remember being so bone weary. I’m sure I haven’t ever gone so long with so little sleep and not been deathly ill. That’s a huge testament to how positively I feel about the entire grand experiment – the fact that I haven’t been sick at all this semester, in spite of so little sleep for so many weeks.

The last four months have been an interesting experiment in learning how far I can go. How long can I go without adequate sleep? A long time … four months. How much would I enjoy teaching? A lot … as much as I dared to hope, more than I expected. Will I be able to survive in a teaching position? That remains to be seen … I’m looking for work now. Will children respond to me as a teacher? Yes, resoundingly … to the point of trying to bribe my Field Supervisor to make sure he gave me an “A” when he asked the children what grade they thought I deserved. Would the girls and I survive the intense pressure of essentially working and going to school at the same time? Yes, barely … they have a good example now of how a person can just keep going, even when she’s broken down in tears, not sure how she’ll make it. My girls have been amazing throughout this process! Will my house fall apart? Well, yes. Almost. Oh well.

In contemplating how far any one person can go, I ponder what inherent qualities a person must have in order to follow a dream, in order to live life by risking, and trusting, that we will be able to carry ourselves through, that we can and will find the strength, the will, the faith to continue against what seem like insurmountable odds. How does one develop a faith in oneself? How does one believe in oneself? How does one trust in oneself?

From where did all those qualities in me come? I don’t know how I managed to develop them, how I found the strength to just keep going on. I just did, one baby step at a time. When the next day seemed like an impossible goal, I looked at the next hour, and managed to make it through. When the next hour seemed insurmountable, I concentrated on hanging on or producing for five more minutes. And when I reached those five minutes, the next five minutes were possible, too…

Human endurance is amazing. Human willpower perhaps knows no bounds. And I now understand that I still don’t know my limits, except that those limits are further than I ever dreamed possible.

I’ve begun sending out resumes, starting to look for a teaching job. There are two possible positions in nearby schools. One advertised, for a middle school social studies teacher, which I would love to have! And that position, since it’s advertised, will have lots of competition. I had a friend’s husband deliver that resume & letter, hoping it would give me an edge, since he works there.

The other position is with another local school; I heard there might be a position open and it hasn’t been advertised.

Wish me luck!