Re-learning to Believe in Myself

When you clearly envision the outcome of victory, engrave it upon your heart, and are firmly convinced that you will attain it, your brain makes every effort to realize the mental image you have created. And then, through your unceasing efforts, that victory is finally made a reality.

-- Daisaku Ikeda

Yesterday was a day of ups and downs. I woke up early, to do some research into a non-profit. I’d submitted a resume for a job that sounded intriguing, they were calling for an initial phone interview, and I wanted to know more about this non-profit before I spoke to them.

The organization sounded good, the job sounded interesting and rewarding, I began to feel some excitement about a possibility that might open in my life. When we actually spoke, I found out the job would require almost constant overnight travel and lots of evening work, none of which would work with my life as a single mom.

The interviewer, upon hearing that I wouldn’t be interested in further pursuing this particular position, asked if he could forward my resume and information to others in the organization, in case there were positions that didn’t require quite so much travel. I told him yes, and scratched another possibility off my list. It’s nice that a 20-something year old can appreciate that I have valuable skills, now I just need a position to open up that will use those skills in a meaningful way.

Then I received a phone call from the University of Phoenix, with information about their online course of study, for a Masters of Art in Teaching program. It sounds intriguing, and is cheaper than Fairleigh Dickinson, where I have already been accepted, but it’s studying alone at home, no chance to interact in real life with people. I already feel isolated; I’m not sure that would be a good decision for me. The possibility remains, and I won’t throw it away.

A little while later, I picked up the mail, and found the financial aid letter from FDU. Almost no money offered. I was only going to qualify for loans, and was already agonizing over whether I should throw myself into that much debt at 49 years old. But now it seems pretty nearly impossible to make this dream happen. I have no income, I’m a single mom with three dependents, how could they offer me less than half the tuition needs for a semester? Where do they possibly think I can get this tuition money? Alchemy from my blood?

I was looking into scholarship and grant money when I ran into U of Phoenix. It seems that summer is not a great time to look for grants, when you are expecting to start school in the fall. One more possibility scratched off my list. I could possibly qualify for awards for next fall, in case I don’t manage school this year, so I won’t delete all the information that came up while I was browsing websites that help find scholarships, but the likelihood of school is looking less and less possible.

While running errands this morning, I finally heard back from the Creative Group placement people about the possibility of finding some writing or editing work. They would like to see some of my writing, and will make an appointment for an intake interview, so they can decide whether to represent me or not. I can look for freelance and permanent work. Another possibility opening for me?

In the afternoon, the girls and I went shopping for some school clothing. Salvation Army was a great hit, especially when the girls realized that the blue tags were at 50% sale on the already wonderful prices. I could even afford to buy Sarah an exquisite black velvet dress, which she can use for winter holidays and a school dance, when they have one this year. eek. Is my middle daughter really old enough to start going to school dances???!!!???

Alanna is happy. She found lots of clothing for very little money, and other than having to try it all on behind a sheet that Sarah and I held up for her in a corner (they tore down the fitting rooms because people were stealing too much), found the experience fun and rewarding. Shopping is usually torturous with her. And Marlena and Sarah were each able to stretch their $20 they were allowed to spend quite far. (They already have plenty of hand-me-downs, so spending was just for the fun of something new.)

The day ended on a positive note, with my three girls and I sorting through our purchases and trying everything on again. I am grateful for finding a way to bring some joy into our lives, and proud that my girls not only aren’t embarrassed to buy in Salvation Army, but consider it the right thing to do, in living their sustainable lifestyles. And I’m happy to make less expensive purchases for better quality clothing than I could afford on my unemployment benefits. Ann Taylor beats Walmart any day of the week.

I’m pondering this morning what yesterday’s multiple messages mean for my life. I found some nice clothing for little money for the girls, and knew I could do it, knew where to do it, knew how to do it. I believed in the possibility, and found a way to make it happen.

I did not find a way to work yet, did not find a way to go to school yet. In fact, the possibility of school seems even more remote, in spite of searching even further afield to find ways to make this dream happen. Is that because I don’t believe hard enough yet? Have I not firmly convinced myself that this is the right thing to do? Do I have a niggling doubt that I will enjoy and succeed at teaching? Are my doubts and my fears still getting in the way of making this dream a reality?

Will I believe strongly enough in the possibility of finding writing work to make that a possibility?

How does one engrave a dream upon one’s heart? Can it happen by simply living in the joy of the moment, whenever and wherever we can find it?