Motivation

Motivation has been especially difficult for me lately. Perhaps it’s because I don’t seem to be doing much of anything right in my life. I’ve had so many hopes dashed lately; it becomes more and more difficult to try the next option.

How does one keep motivated?

I was reflecting to some friends yesterday that I found it almost impossible to keep up with the demands of family, job search, house, food; I am allowing my friendships to fall by the wayside. In part, it’s because I don’t see many friends on a daily basis, at drop-off or pick-up at school. So it requires more effort to pick up a phone or send an email to check in with friends. And they aren’t checking in with me, either. Are they equally as busy, and also taking a needed break from the incredible demands placed on working mothers during the school year?

We become so overloaded during that September to June time frame, juggling family and work, making time to volunteer in school, see the class play or attend the party, find time to cook, clean, wash the laundry, cart children to classes and play dates, help with homework, sleep (what’s that??? I forget!). The blessed relief from school pressures – no homework, no extra demands – perhaps that’s made us all hole up in our homes, relishing the relative reduction in responsibilities. Are we all in the same boat?

Well, that might be one explanation for one small lack of motivation in my life. I know another small concern of mine (ok, not so small concern) is that I will be a burden on my friends. It’s harder to be cheerful and positive with no immediate hopes in my future. I don’t want to be a wet blanket. So I struggle with how I can allow myself to be with friends when I need their support, and fear overloading them with my lack of confidence and neediness right now.

Then there’s the plain and simple fear of making the wrong decision. I need to get over that one, and can’t put it any plainer or simpler to myself. No sense being paralyzed with indecision because I fear making the wrong decision. If it doesn’t work, then I can try something different. I have nothing to lose but a small amount of time. I am cursed with the personality trait of needing to be ready before I leap. And that might be a good trait to have when I am anticipating jumping out of an airplane with only a small parachute to carry me safely to the ground, but it’s not such a great trait when I need to decide what to do with my life. Especially when I’m running out of time and options for further education, and aware that unemployment will run out in too few short months.

I have a bad habit of concentrating too hard on the one immediate project. I get so caught up in the latest idea or possibility that it becomes nearly impossible to think about other options. That needs to stop, too. I can be working on several job leads at once, and don’t need to wait to go onto the next one only after the current option falls through. Having several options open at the same time might be the confidence booster I need to succeed in an interview … knowing I don’t need this job might be just the attitude that will help me get the job!

I’m also wondering why it has been so difficult to network for myself in the way that I can so easily network for a cause or my children or a friend? Why is it so difficult for me to ask for help? Am I afraid of showing my weaknesses? Am I afraid of looking like a failure? Am I afraid of not looking self-sufficient? Am I afraid of showing my vulnerability?

Ironically, I know the answer to all of those questions. Yes, I am afraid of all of those things, especially the vulnerability issue. I am working really hard on that one, helped by a friend who took me over the edge of my security and back again in an amazing way. It’s not been easy, learning how frightened I am of appearing vulnerable, how difficult it is to show my vulnerability to my friends. I’m afraid I’m really walking around naked, in my emperor’s new clothes.

Little baby steps are taking me along the path of showing my vulnerability. I can open up to one friend at a time, and the rewards are immeasurable, rich beyond belief. To be afraid to show a part of myself that feels vulnerable, to give that piece openly to another, with trust in my heart, and to receive back love and support in return. That reward might very well be worth any number of rejections that I might possibly receive.

So I keep trying. One baby step at a time, I put myself out there, in all my glorious vulnerability and fear and uncertainty, with trust and love, and the universe seems to answer with a return that gives back so much more. I get back acceptance, love, more trust, and it builds my self-confidence.

Why then, does it continue to be the very hardest thing in the world, to trust a person with my vulnerability?