The Sky is Falling

What are you worried about? Why do you think that the sky may be about to fall? Have you never encountered negativity before? It is amazing how quickly we forget the way in which fear exerts a hold over us. Perhaps it is just as well that our memory is so short, or we might all lead dull, flat lives with no drama and no tension. Here comes a little excitement, that's all. What's happening now is challenging. You can be forgiven for imagining that some of it is problematic. But it isn't.
~ Jonathan Cainer, Capricorn forecast for Friday, 29 Sept 2006 http://www.cainer.com/

Why is it that a setback does immediately set me to thinking the sky is falling? How appropriate yesterday’s astrological forecast was for me. Good thing I read it after the fact, so I could and did acknowledge that help will always arrive.

It was a long week. A paper was late (with permission) because I couldn’t find a cooperative school to allow a classroom observation. I was trying desperately to finish the paper anyway, with the knowledge that any delay would only have a ripple effect into the work due later this week and next. So I was trying to survive on four or five hours sleep a night.

I should know better. Sleep deprivation always makes every pebble in my path look like a boulder too high to pass. That’s pretty much what happened this week.

First, I received a phone call from the principal of the school where I was scheduled to do two field placements. That’s where we go into a class all day, for five days in a row, and observe and work with the children, and at the end of the second week, actually teach a lesson and have an observation by an experienced educator/field observer. The principal was calling to tell me that he would accept me into one field experience (good), but that he felt it was important for me to have a second experience with another school district, so he would only allow me the one field placement (bad).

When I called the gentleman in charge of field placements, Mr. M., he informed me that he had many FDU students who had no field placements, others in the same boat as me, and he would place me next semester. That would be fine except that I’m enrolled in this program at FDU where I’m to push through 22 graduate credits in two semesters, so that I can have my NJ Teaching Cert by May, and I need to do my Apprenticeship Teaching (Student Teaching) in spring semester, and must complete both field experiences before the Apprenticeship. eek. As a single mom, with a singular opportunity to finish this program in one year and no financing beyond May, this was it, the do or die moment. (More bad.)

Mr. M. suggested I send an email to the professor who admitted me to the program, to see if she had any additional suggestions to help. I got the feeling I was in the middle of a political maelstrom around the concept of rolling admissions, with some faculty supporting it, others dead set against it. And me in the middle, not for the first time.

The second challenge for my week was a phone call on Thursday afternoon from my girl friend, letting me know that our daughters, best friends for the last two years, did a BIG BAD THING. These are two girls who are sensitive good girls, who wouldn’t intentionally hurt a flea, let alone another person. Well, they screwed up big time. They spray painted “D & D must die” on the fort the friend’s brother and next door neighbor will building. They didn’t get caught, but finally admitted what they’d done when the friend heard that the parents were getting ready to call the police.

My middle daughter spent a night crying herself to sleep. She’s learning a difficult lesson on how to think about what you are doing, what your friends are doing, and how to stop something you know is wrong, even when your friends won’t listen, not just go along. I’m sorry the lesson was so painful for her, and glad that it was something rather innocuous that can easily be fixed.

The third challenge was attending the orientation sessions for my field 1 & 2 placements, and understanding the scope of what’s expected of me, on top of the regular courses I’m taking. eek. I’m a little worried that I won’t make it.

My friends laugh gently at me, and remind me to take one step at a time, and I’ll come out the other end not quite sure how I managed it all. They all have confidence in me and tell me so. My professors have confidence in me, and tell me so. I’m glad to have some people in my life reminding me that I am a wonderful person who can accomplish amazing things.

This morning, I woke up and started planning my weekend. I have a lot to accomplish, and didn’t need to spend the day helping a daughter repaint a fort. But there it is, life presenting me with another FGO (fucking growth opportunity). I fretted, then suddenly understood that there might be a benefit to my field experiences being split up and one possibly being late. It will give me breathing time. It will give me time to learn more about lesson planning before I actually have to produce one in practice. I will have time to breathe inbetween two intense weeks. That’s a good thing.

One of these days, I will learn to take the pebbles in my path in stride. I won’t turn them into boulders, I will just breathe through the moment, and trust that there is always a solution, one that might even be better than if I hadn’t been required to make a sidestep around a pebble, or even sidle around a large boulder in my path.

I will spend a morning helping two lovely young girls understand that they must always think about how their actions affect others.

And I will spend a day outside, living in the moment, even if it means some intense writing later on tonight or tomorrow. My mind will be fresher and clearer because of it.