The Death of Love

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.
~ Anais Nin

Today was supposed to be the day my divorce went through. There was a last minute delay of two weeks, I’m not sure why. The paperwork was not quite ready, perhaps. The dissolution of my marriage has me thinking about love today, and how and why it disappeared from my marriage.

As I ponder the ending, I’m led to sadness. I didn’t start my marriage expecting it to have a finite life. It didn’t come with an expiration date that would mean automatic disposal by a certain time. I never expected to end up divorced, a single mom with still-young children. I would have never chosen this route had I felt there was any other option left to me.

I struggle sometimes with bitterness. In the end, in order to survive, I chose flight. I was dying a slow lonely death in my marriage, loveless, ignored, hurting, so painfully lonely, alone. I begged for help, it was ignored. I’m left wondering why our marriage was so unimportant to my partner that he could choose ending it over working to save it.

Of course, he would probably say that he didn’t choose ending it, because when I finally left, he woke up and realized that he was losing his family. My mom tells me he was, and still is, devastated. She wishes that we would get back together.

I wonder how my own mother could wish for me to go back into misery and loss of self. In the end, as I asked for help, as I asked him to go to therapy and he would walk out of the room without even answering, I was left with the choice between survival and leaving, or staying and dying a slow death of my essential self. I chose flight, in that eternal decision of fight or flight for survival. The fighting hadn’t worked.

I flew for myself. I flew for survival. I flew for joy. I flew for life.

I am reaching, arms and soul wide open, for a life of vulnerability, happiness, friendship, and love.